There are three days a week that I go for three different classes. I go because I love learning and because I need them. But I suppose, after doing this for more than a month, it can become more of a habit. With the recent lessons on intentions though, it is a constant struggle to remind myself of why I’m doing something.
The much-procrastinated sewing started yesterday. It finally kick-started me into the pile of fabrics I have lying around to sew the very many things I have planned. Now I’m gunning to go, but being the person that I am, I don’t want to do anything else until I finish with it. Errr… Which is not possible because it is a month-long task, at the least!
And so this morning, I cut all the pieces I needed for my first outfit. I know how much time I have on a typical Saturday and so gist imaged how much I’ll be able to get done. But when the time to leave for class came, I was in two minds as to whether I should stay and sew, or go and get a much needed eman boost. After some contemplation, I decided I should go because I needed the subject that was to be discussed today – our nafs, its problems and cures. Of course I had to ask myself why I was going – habit, friends, reputation, learning, or to get closer to Allah. The answer was “for the sake of Allah”, but let me tell you that it is rather easy to say it, and rather difficult to analyze whether you truly mean it.
Anyway, off I went. I was already late but I thought ‘better late than never!’ I had to wait for a bus. But when I got on, I couldn’t use my card because I didn’t have enough cash in it, even though I had recharged it only two days ago. Baffled, I decided to head home since waiting for another bus and then getting to class would prove to be too late.
On the walk home, I analyzed what had happened. I did want to go to class, but even with the questioning of intentions, I wasn’t 100% sure as to why I was doing it. With things that were out of my control, I was then prevented from going. That was when it struck me – I may not have been too sure about the purity of my intentions, but Allah knew better than me as to why I was doing it.
The sahabahs and those who followed were of such high calibre, that if they ever doubted their intention – because life is such that these lines can blur after a while – they would ask Allah to show them a sign. And if they were not doing it for purely His sake, He would take it away and they would know. We don’t have the guts to ask Allah to show us a sign, but here it was in front of me, as clear as day.
I should have been upset that I didn’t get to go to class, and I was ashamed that I couldn’t fix my intent, but what I was most was happy – that Allah didn’t let me do something that would have mixed reasons, that wasn’t sincere, for that is a graver offense than we know. I was amazed with His mercy – for this was a show of it – that He wouldn’t let me do something that would affect me adversely. SubhanAllah!
There are signs right in front of us, if we only think to look.